Matt at Work: The Evil IM

Day 95

At my last job we have Instant Messenger in the office so we all could communicate quickly. I also had the task to speak to clients in our LiveChat system off of the corporate website and I also had the task to review all the chats that employees had with clients. The longer I worked there using these chat programs, the better chance you had in saying something pretty stupid. I collected these in Word because some of them were pretty memorable. My friend Zack and I used to pull them out every once in awhile and laugh. Here are my favorites. I have changed some of the names slightly.


I got these ones while reviewing chat transcripts. Colby, Alex and Reid are technicians that worked online to assist clients.

Colby: Hello! Thank you for contacting us. Please allow me one moment to review your question.
Colby: Hell Greg, I am looking into this right now.
Gregt: well damnit, ok.

bonnie: it says you're typing but I don't see a response
Alex: Yes.
info: Chat session has been terminated by the site operator.

William: Understand. I just want to make sure I didn't get kicked off, as has happened here on LiveChat in the past.
Reid: Ok, I just wanted you assure you that I am her.
Reid: Ok, the reason I cannot, and you cannot, change to it, is, somehow, you got around giving it a name.

This next one was special. It was all mine.

Matt P: We have 24/7 technical support through the phone, e-mail and lovechat.
Jason: Wow. lovechat?

Embarrassing things were not only said to clients but also to co-workers. I was getting raked over the coals by our Billing Manager one time in IM. She kept going on and on about a mistake that was made. I forgot what she said, all I could remember is what I responded with.

April: Blah, Blah, Blah*
Matt: Go tit!

I was supposed to have said "Got it!" but I accidentally put a space where a space shouldn't be. I was so embarrassed and I thought for sure I was going to get ripped a new one. Surprisingly she laughed it off.

I have a bunch of other ones but I don't think anyone outside of that job would appreciate. And a lot of them are inside jokes. If I find a couple more, I'll post them.

Stupid Things I Learned: Vaseline

Day 87

Before I left on my LDS mission to New York, I was having quite a fun time socially. Since I was leaving on a mission shortly, I was able to date without having to be serious. My group of friends had made friends with a set of girls from the southern end of the valley. We hung out with these girls quite a bit, they were a fun bunch. Most times they would call us and we would have this huge group date.

My friend Angie called me up and asked if me and my friends would be interested in going to a Girl's Choice Dance. I had no problem with that so we coordinated so all my friends had dates. It was a fifties style date, we were asked to dress accordingly for it. I borrowed a leather jacket and Lared and I greased our hair with Vaseline. Isn't Vaseline water proof? Yes, it is. I didn't know that at the time though.



We went on the date and we had a ton of fun. Angie and I hung out longer than everyone else and I didn't get home until late. It was around two in the morning when I came home and I was cold and I wanted to get this grease out of my hair. It was so cold (how cold was it?), it was so cold that the pipes froze. I had no hot water at all. My mom got up and told me as I tried to run the shower. I told her what I did and she laughed. "Didn't you know you shouldn't put Vaseline in your hair? It is waterproof!" Yeah, I obviously didn't know. I know what you are thinking, why couldn't I just put some hair gel in my hair. Straight answer. I have absolutely no clue at all. But what's done is done. So we boiled some water and it didn't come out. So I went to bed and went down to my grandparent's to use their hot water.


I also tried a variety of soaps, shampoos, Soft Scrub, pretty much anything but to no avail. It just didn't want to come out at all. My scalp felt so rare after awhile, that Soft Scrub burned like nothing else! It took a few weeks for my hair to comeback to normal.

So here is a tip. Don't put Vaseline in your hair. Use hair gel.