Jun 3, 2010

What Would You Do Again?

Day 215

Here are the next set of questions. Some of them were simple to answer, others I had some difficulties with. But as always, they were interesting.

So let's get on to the questions!

12. You meet a wizard in downtown Chicago. The wizard tells you he can make you more attractive if you pay him money. When you ask how this process works, the wizard points to a random person on the street. You look at this random stranger. The wizard says, "I will now make them a dollar more attractive." He waves his magic wand. Ostensibly, this person does not change at all; as far as you can tell, nothing is different. But--somehow--this person is suddenly a little more appealing. The tangible difference is invisible to the naked eye, but you can't deny that this person is vaguely sexier. This wizard has a weird rule, though--you can only pay him once. You can't keep giving him money until you're satisfied. You can only pay him one lump sum up front.

How much cash do you give the wizard?

If the wizard could promise that my baldness would be cured, I would give him some money. I don't think I need to be any more good looking/sexier than I am now. I'm married so I am not looking for anything. And that isn't just an excuse for me to look bad because I am married. I am not getting any younger and the older I get the more worn out my body becomes. But Kristy loves me no matter how I look. Honestly, I rarely have cash on me anyway. More than likely, I would probably give him the few dollars I might have in my wallet and call it good. It wouldn't hurt anyway and I might just get some hair back.

13. Every person you have ever slept with is invited to a banquet where you are the guest of honor. No one will be in attendance except you, the collection of your former lovers, and the catering service. After the meal, you are asked to give a fifteen-minute speech to the assembly.

What do you talk about?

Now this is an easy one since it would only be Kristy and I in attendance. I am not sure what I would talk about. I would probably talk about how we met and how I knew "she was the one". And then tell some jokes and see what it is like being a stand-up comedian.

14. For reasons that cannot be explained, cats can suddenly read at a twelfth-grade level. They can't talk and they can't write, but they can read silently and understand the text. Many cats love this new skill, because they now have something to do all day while they lay around the house; however, a few cats become depressed, because reading forces them to realize the limitations of their existence (not to mention the utter frustration of being unable to express themselves).

This being the case, do you think the average cat would enjoy Garfield, or would cats find this cartoon to be an insulting caricature?

I think a few cats would absolutely hate Jim Davis and his creation. But like most cats, I think they personally wouldn't give a flying fig. They are still fundamentally cats and therefore don't care one way or another.

This cat doesn't look too interested in Garfield.

15. You have a brain tumor. Though there is no discomfort at the moment, this tumor would unquestionably kill you in six months. However, your life can (and will) be saved by an operation; the only downside is that there will be a brutal incision to your frontal lobe. After the surgery, you will be significantly less intelligent. You will still be a fully functioning adult, but you will be less logical, you will have a terrible memory, and you will have little ability to understand complex concepts or difficult ideas. The surgery is in two weeks.

How do you spend the next fourteen days?

This is a difficult one since I do not know how I would truly act if I knew I was going to die in six months. But if I am going to die, I am going to die. I would rather have quality of life than quantity. During the two weeks I would definitely get a second opinion but aside from that I would make plans on how I want to spend the rest of my life. I wouldn't want to become a burden on Kristy and Logan. It would be sad for Logan to grow up without his dad but how much help would I be anyway? The biggest thing that gets me would be that I would have a terrible memory. I wouldn't be much use for my family and society.

16. Someone builds and optical portal that allows you to see a vision of your own life in the future (it’s essentially a crystal ball that shows a randomly selected image of what your life will be like in twenty years). You can only see into this portal for thirty seconds. When you finally peer into the crystal, you see yourself in a living room, two decades older than you are today. You are watching a Canadian football game, and you are extremely happy. You are wearing a CFL jersey. Your chair is surrounded by books and magazines that promote the Canadian Football League, and there are CFL pennants covering your walls. You are alone in the room, but you are gleefully muttering about historical moments in Canadian football history. It becomes clear that—for some unknown reason—you have become obsessed with Canadian football. And this future is static and absolute; no matter what you do, this future will happen. The optical portal is never wrong. This destiny cannot be changed.

The next day, you are flipping through television channels and randomly come across a pre-season CFL game between the Toronto Argonauts and the Saskatchewan Roughriders. Knowing your inevitable future, do you now watch it?

I don't think being obsessed with Canadian football would be all that bad. Obviously it will make me very happy in the future so why fight it? On the other hand, being a comic book and sci-fi geek, I would love to try to avoid Canadian football. I wouldn't watch the game (how the heck did the CFL get on TV here anyway?) to try to fight the future and create some sort of alternate reality. BUT I then would come to conclusion that why should I fight destiny? Especially since I will be very happy in this future. What if I fight watching the CFL and I lead a disastrous and unhappy life? Should I take my chances? I would fight it for the first little while but ultimately I would succumb. At least I would be happy.

Warren Moon played with the Edmonton Eskimos. The CFL can't be that bad right?

17. You are sitting in an empty bar (in a town you’ve never before visited), drinking Bacardi with a soft-spoken acquaintance you barely know. After an hour, a third individual walks into the tavern and sits by himself, and you ask your acquaintance who the new man is. “Be careful of that guy,” you are told. “He is a man with a past.” A few minutes later, a fourth person enters the bar; he also sits alone. You ask your acquaintance who this new individual is. “Be careful of that guy, too,” he says. “He is a man with no past.”

Which of these two people do you trust less?

Everyone has a past. I wouldn't trust either of them (including the guy telling me this) but ultimately I don't trust the man with no past more. It seems like a man with no past would have no fear for the future. If he doesn't pay attention to the past he seems to me like he would have no remorse. The guy who has a past may have taken lessons from it and learned from it, even though that doesn't necessarily mean he would make the correct choices this time. But I would rather take my chances with the guy with the past. I wouldn't be able to get a read on the man with no past.

18. You have won a prize. The prize has two options, and you can choose either (but not both). The first option is a year in Europe with a monthly stipend of $2,000. The second option is ten minutes on the moon.

Which option do you select?

While having money in Europe would be tempting, I would love to visit England and Greece and spend money freely I think I would rather go to the moon. I can always look up to the moon and see it anytime but how many times would I be able to look up and see the Earth? Besides with all the turmoil in Europe now I might not be able to have fun in Europe. And really, I could go to Europe at anytime. The moon would be a chance of a lifetime. So the moon it is.

Yeah, that would be worth it.

19. Your best friend is taking a nap on the floor of your living room. Suddenly, you are faced with a bizarre existential problem: This friend is going to die unless you kick them (as hard as you can) in the rib cage. If you don’t kick them while they slumber, they will never wake up. However, you can never explain this to your friend; if you later inform them that you did this to save their life, they will also die from that. So you have to kick a sleeping friend in the ribs, and you can’t tell them why.

Since you cannot tell your friend the truth, what excuse will you fabricate to explain this (seemingly inexplicable) attack?

I would call another friend of mine and tell him what was going on and have him come over. And then I would kick my sleeping friend and then tell my sleeping friend that my other friend bet me that I wouldn't kick him. Guys do stupid things all the time and I might be able to get away with it if I used the excuse of a bet. And if that sleeping guy is truly my friend he would forgive me. At least at some point he would.  

20. For whatever the reason, two unauthorized movies are made about your life. The first is an independently released documentary, primarily comprised of interviews with people who know you and bootleg footage from your actual life. Critics are describing the documentary as “brutally honest and relentlessly fair.” Meanwhile, Columbia Tri-Star has produced a big-budget biopic of your life, casting major Hollywood stars as you and all your acquaintances; though the movie is based on actual events, screenwriters have taken some liberties with the facts. Critics are split on the artistic merits of this fictionalized account, but audiences love it.

Which film would you be most interested in seeing?

I would want to see both of them even though I would be afraid of watching the independent film. Just who did they dig up for that film and what would they really cover? I would rather watch the Hollywood version since I would like to see who they cast to play me and what liberties they made with my life. I think I would get a kick out of that one more. I already lived the documentary, I don't know if I need to see it again.

21. Imagine you could go back to the age of five and relive the rest of your life, knowing everything that you know now. You will re-experience your entire adolescence with both the cognitive ability of an adult and the memories of everything you’ve learned form having lived your life previously.

Would you lose your virginity earlier or later than you did the first time around (and by how many years)?

Nothing would change. I would lose it the same time I did in this lifetime. It would be interesting to see what different choices I would make. I wonder if I would lose my virginity to the same person? I would be making different choices which might result in me meeting different people so who knows?

22. You work in an office. Generally, you are popular with your coworkers. However, you discover that there are currently two rumors circulating the office gossip mill, and both involve you. The first rumor is that you got drunk at the office holiday party and had sex with one of your married coworkers. This rumor is completely true, but most people don’t believe it. The second rumor is that you have been stealing hundreds of dollars of office supplies (and then selling them to cover a gambling debt). This rumor is completely false, but virtually everyone assumes it is factual.

Which of these two rumors is most troubling to you?

I think the gambling rumor would bug me the most since it is NOT true. I guess the best thing would be to just come clean about it and get the truth out. I don't want to be known as a thief and a liar.

23. Consider this possibility:
a. Think about deceased TV star John Ritter.

b. Now, pretend Ritter had never become famous. Pretend he was never affected by the trappings of fame, and try to imagine what his personality would have been like.

c. Now, imagine that this person—the unfamous John Ritter—is a character in a situation comedy.

d. Now, you are also a character in this sitcom, and the unfamous John Ritter character is your sitcom father.

e. However, this sitcom is actually your real life. In other words, you are living inside a sitcom: Everything about our life is a construction, featuring the unfamous John Ritter playing himself (in the role of your TV father). But this is not a sitcom. This is your real life.

How would you feel about this?

I love John Ritter. I don't think this would be a problem. I think I would be more disturbed that I was living in a sitcom than having John Ritter be my dad. And hopefully that means he might be living with Janet and Chrissy. That would be a plus.

And if the Ropers were my real neighbors? That would seal the deal!

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